So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
