The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
