Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
