I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
