we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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