If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Damn victory sex feels great
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
