Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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