once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
