I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
