my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
