I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
