Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
