It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
