Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
