Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
