I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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