I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
