ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Ketchup is God's man juice
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
