my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
