Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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