do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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