I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
