Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
