I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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