I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
