If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
