This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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