I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
