9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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