the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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