WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
