I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
