i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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