please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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