nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
