Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
