dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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