I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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