Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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