the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
