And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think people are normalizing furries
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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