Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
