My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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