I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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