Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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