I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
