I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
