Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Is it because I queefed?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
