I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
