Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize