I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
