It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
