dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
