you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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