Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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