please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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