90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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