I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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