i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
zippers are such a cool invention
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
