Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
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I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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