Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't deserve a penis
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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